Raising Happy & Helpful Humans
"Maybe it’s time to open up our narrow viewpoint and see just how beautiful and powerful parenting can be."
- Michaeleen Doucleff
I somehow stumbled upon a new parenting book when I was wandering my public library. The universe must have known I needed some extra guidance and practice when it comes to enhancing my mothering skills.
This book has transformed my parenting game so much so that I had to share my reflections in this pretty lengthy blog post.
This magical book is called Hunt, Gather, Parent: What Ancient Cultures Can Teach Us About the Lost Art of Raising Happy, Helpful Humans by Michaeleen Doucleff.
Do yourself a favor, purchase the book so you can underline, dog ear and highlight all the things that resonate with you. Or if reading is hard these days, just browse my notes to see if a spoonful of this magic mama juice satisfies some of the parenting struggles you may be encountering these days.
You ready to add some extra love & relaxation into motherhood? Let's go!
Michaeleen, the author of this book, traveled with her toddler to various hunter-gatherer communities around the world to dive deeper into parenting styles, learn tools and methods to raise happy and helpful humans (with less stress and overwhelm).
I have included my top takeaways, parenting tools and a shit ton of quotes.
I've already experimented and embraced these tools in my parenting groove...all I gotta say is WOW!
There have been PHENOMENAL changes in my relationship with my daughter after only a month, and I feel like an intentional bad-ass mama even more than before.
Here's a photo that embodies nicely my enhanced chill mama vibes. You feel it too, don't you?
Alright loves, my book notes start here. Dive in and start experimenting!
A new paradigm shift for western parents: T.E.A.M. Parenting
(Togetherness, Encouragement, Autonomy, Minimal Interference)
The basis for T.E.A.M. Parenting is that "parents or caregivers set the daily agenda and overall schedule for the whole family...they go about their business around the home and community, and expect the kids to follow along, more or less. They welcome the children into their world."
"The child is largely in charge of their own behavior. They have an enormous amount of autonomy, and the parent minimally interferes...the parent watches the child and carefully chooses when to influence the child’s behavior (child is unsafe or when parent is transmitting a key cultural value, such as helpfulness or generosity)."
"The parent encourages the child, with a whole suite of tools, instead of coercing through punishments or threats. They know their actions and modeling will prove much more effective and much less stressful -- than issuing instructions and commands...whenever possible, the parent harnesses a child’s own enthusiasm to motivate them."
T: Togetherness
“Rather than scheduling your life around your child, you can simply put your child into your schedule...an invitation for doing things together.”
"Instead of having to schedule, pay for, and participate in endless child-centered activities, parents can lead their normal lives, working or relaxing- while kids follow along, learning as they go."
*HOW to GUIDE YOUR KIDS to do CHORES VOLUNTARILY*
The task should be real, a real contribution to the family.
Doable tasks (start small)
Never force a task.
Focus on working together.
E: Encouragement
In Western culture, we may believe that children are “pushing buttons” or even being manipulative, but there’s no scientific evidence out there that proves these statements are true.
Michaeleen presents an interesting mindset shift for those moments when your child "misbehaves."
"Instead of characterizing young children as manipulative button-pushers trying to make us angry, what if we think of them as illogical, newbie citizens trying to figure out the proper behavior? What if we assume their motivations are kind and good, and it’s just that their execution needs some improvement?"
“Getting angry at a child has no purpose. It only stops communication between the child and the mom.” - Martha Tikivik
“When you yell at children, they stop listening.” -Sidonie Nirlungayuk
"Misbehavior is a child’s way of asking for more responsibility, more ways to contribute to the family, and more freedom."
*TOOLS to HELP RAISE HAPPY & HELPFUL HUMANS*
Tool #1: Parent with calmness.
Our kids feed on and mimic our energy, so this makes total sense.
Tool #2: Parent with touch.
“Physical touch breaks the tension between a child and parent.” -Dr. Larry Cohen
“Children have a natural urge to cooperate. They love to please you. And when that’s not happening, it’s because they’re overloaded with tension.”
"For kids of all ages, physicality is more effective than lecturing, scolding, or long explanations."
According to,The Whole- Brain Child, "when children feel upset, they don’t have access to the 'left' or logical side of the brain. During emotional outbursts, the 'right side' of a child’s brain calls the shots- and the ride side is all about nonverbal communication."
Tool #3: Parent with awe.
"Replace anger with awe. The more you flex and experience awe - the more you flex this neural muscle in your brain - the easier it becomes to access this emotion in the future."
“Children’s brains are waiting for wiring instructions from the world.”
Tool #4: Take the child outside.
Works every damn time.
Tool #5: Ignore It.
"Wait a bit before reacting to the tantrum, to see if the emotion passes. Once a parent believes the child is capable of calming themselves down, parents can-and do-ignore their emotional outbursts."
Tool #6: Learn the look.
"The look proves more effective than telling a child “no” or “don’t do that” and says everything you need to say in a quick, calm glance. It shows who is cool and in charge."
Tool #7: Parent with consequence puzzles.
“Tell them the consequences of their behavior. Tell them the truth.“
Simplify our parenting talk by telling the child the consequences of their actions.
For example, replace “Don’t throw the rock” with “You’re going to hit somebody with the rock.”
When we tell a child "don’t” and/or “stop,” we assume they’ll obey the command like a robot: without a thought of their own.
"Inuit parents think more highly of children than that. They believe that even young children can think for themselves - or at least they can learn to. So they give a child useful information about their behavior. They give the child a reason to think twice about continuing to do it."
Tool #8: Parent through action, not words.
"Words and commands are energizing and stimulating, and they often incite arguments. Every time we ask a child to do something, we create an opportunity for fighting and negotiating. But when you keep the conversation to a minimum, you keep the energy low. The chance for debate and fighting plummets."
How can a child learn flexibility and cooperation if we always ask them what he or she wants?
"Offering options frequently generates negotiations, unneeded decisions, and eventually tears. And most of the time, his/her “wants” are irrelevant to our lives. The family’s priorities come first."
A: Autonomy
"Let your kid do what they want to do; it’s not your place. Let them be."
"Many hunter-gatherer communities go to great lengths NOT to tell the children (or adults) what to do...they believe that children know best how to learn and grow. Anything a parent says– the vast majority of the time–will only get in the child’s way."
“A parent or another caretaker watches to make sure he’s safe. But he isn’t stimulated. His agenda isn’t changed by someone intervening. Parents give respect to that one-year-old that he has a legitimate agenda, and the goal is to help facilitate it.”
"It’s easy to confuse autonomy and independence. The difference has to do with connectivity."
"An independent child operates like a solitary planet. They’re disconnected. They have no obligations to their family or their community around them."
Kids with autonomy have freedom...but that freedom is layered with something else; expectations that the child will help their family. Kids are expected to give back to the group whenever possible…consistent connection and teamwork to their family and friends.
"Freedom, on its own, can generate selfish kids. But add a punch of teamwork and the child bursts with generosity and confidence."
“Everyone does what they want, but they must be kind, share and be helpful.”
"You can give children autonomy without sacrificing safety…stay quiet and out of the way to provide a safety net."
"Autonomy has tremendous benefits for kids of all ages…inner drive, long-term motivation, independence, confidence and better executive function."
"When we step back, wait-a-bit, and let the child handle the world on her own, we convey several important messages…he or she is capable and self-sufficient; that he or she can solve problems on their own; and that he or she can handle what life throws at them."
"If we constantly instruct and guide our child’s actions we undermine their confidence and give them opportunities to practice dependency and neediness. We also model bossy, demanding behavior."
“Here in Western culture, we aren’t very good at giving kids autonomy. We think we are. We try. But at the end of the day, many kids have little control of their daily lives. We set them up with strict daily schedules and routine, and ensure that an adult supervises every moment throughout the day. In the end, we somehow both macromange and micromanage their lives. And in the process, we generate a huge amount of stress inside our children and in our relationship with them.”
By parents lessening their verbal input and training children to handle obstacles and dangers, we empower our kiddos.
Support is everything.
Newsflash (but not really new news), raising a child is a crazy, wild, heavy job for just the parent(s), it's really a job for a community.
Parents should absolutely seek support and build a community, a "circle of love" of mix-aged humans they trust to help uplift and nurture the child.
"The goal is to build deep, high-quality connections, not necessarily more connections."
"...social support works a bit like a miracle drug. It provides health benefits that ripple through our entire bodies, from our minds into our bloody through our hearts, and into our bones."
M: Minimal Interference
The opposite of minimal interference, maximal interference, goes against children’s natural inclination for autonomy, self-exploration, and cooperation. This type of parenting style is exhausting, period.
Instead, let's step back, relax, and do what is minimally required to help our kiddos learn valuable life skills. In my opinion, this type of "relaxed" parenting sounds way happier for everyone.